8:59 am - Arizona Spring/Countdown to my birthday- 9 more days.......
I love, love, LOVE springtime here in Arizona. It doesn't really matter what part of the state you live in, if you're here in the spring, it's beautiful. I got up to early for work so I walked extra slow to get to the coffee shop for my tea. It was chilly enough to possibly need a cardigan but I chose to walk within the rays of sunshine instead. It felt invigorating, like I could do whatever I wanted right then and there. I couldn't stop smiling.
I see springtime as a time for new beginnings, new life; things are starting to grow again, greenery is starting to come back into the world... it's not too cold to be freezing and not too hot to be scorching. Right in the middle of everything, just like me. I can always come back to the springtime, be it alone or with others, and things just seem to work. Last spring I had the time of my life. I'm hoping this spring will be no different.
I started making another list of goals I wish to achieve. It ended up being a lot smaller than I'd hoped, but the goals are so long-term that I suppose it looks huge.
1. Graduate- December 2008
2. Study Abroad: France- Summer 2008
3. Teach for America- After I graduate
4. Real job/career?
5. Graduate school...
6. Knighthood *ECS*
Not much, but it's a start. I haven't factored in apartment, car, bills, living with new people, summer job, relationships, friendships, anything like that. These are mostly school and career-related... except for my knighthood. I don't care how nerdy I sound, it's a goal I wish to pursue and hope I will someday have the qualities in order to achieve it. I'm very goal-oriented; I see the goal and go for it, no matter how hard it is. I may stumble, yes; I may fall flat on my face, but I'll just get right back up and do it again. Can you blame me? I'm ever the overachiever. And that's OK. I talk to much, I eat to many sweets, I have a terrible sleep schedule, I have no life because of school and work, and yet I still do so much. I'm proud of me, and I'm fairly certain others are too. Yes, I have the ability to be humble, but I don't like to use it all the time; if I don't sing my praises, then who will? That's just my theory, though.
I have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the day after. So I live in today. I will not continue to look back on the past and wish for things I cannot change. I'm going to make one of the hardest decisions of my life, and it's going to hurt like hell, but when it's over, I'll look back and be OK with my choices. Safety and Health matter more to me than love, no matter how unconditional it may be. If it's that unconditional, I shouldn't hurt, nor should I fear for myself or my loved ones. That's not the way love goes. I will be strong in this time of turmoil.
Vegas. Tonight. Order of St. Michael. Vacuums. 300. IMAX. Uncle. Cowboy. I cannot wait. This is seriously going to rawk. I need this break like whoa. sleeping in and getting up whenever, sleeping in a real bed and being in a real house with a real kitchen and people who care about me who I care about. Can you say heaven? It'll be like being at home with mom and seester.... except completely different. Oh do I love my logic.
Work to do now. Homework/reading and whatnot. Bringing a book and my laptop for the plane. Will be safe for this trip; I promised I would be, and this is a promise I intend to keep. Oh how I cannot wait for this trip to start!
@~>~~
current mood: 
accomplished
current music: "We sit on front porches and swing life away" by JackJohnson
12:03 am - TIck tock tick tock/Countdown to my Birthday: Technically 10 more days....
*stares at the clock in sheer frustration*
My brain won't turn off....
I have an 8am class I need to be up for....
I desperately need to shower...
And yet I am still awake....
Why won't Friday night get here??
@~>~~
current mood: 
tired
current music: "Rodeo" by Garth Brooks
1:30 pm - This is sad...../Countdown to my birthday- 10 more days!!!!!
3 postings in one day. I thought I had no life. Boy, do I rule.
School is evil. As wonderful as it is and as nice as it is that I'm making so many connections, I'm getting sick of it. I need this break. Desperately. French is my new obsession; I keep throwing random phrases into conversations and confusing people. It's awesome. Psyc classes are the bane of my existence, however, I must suffer through them to get my dadgum degree.
Looking into a house with some friends. It sounds like an excellent investment, so I'm fairly certain we'll be going with it. Can you believe it? I'll finally have a house, even if it is only a rental. Backyard and kitchen and living room and bathroom; awwww... I'm so excited you have no idea. Settling, even if it isn't for very long, is what I want to do more than anything.
I leave tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Shooting the flippin' moon. I need this break. Did I mention I needed this break? And when I get there, the TV and the kitchen counter are both going DOWN..... *yeah, no one's going to understand that* So psyched about it. So psyched. Real food, good friends, fun times... life will be wonderful. Until I come back to work.
A root canal, possibly 2 next week. I'll still be working, whether I'm in pain or not. Now that I have my truck, I need to afford gas and whatnot. Teh suck. but I can get around and not worry about being at the mercy of another driver. Yay.
That's all. Class in 20, but I have to get there early to get a seat. I love upper-divs; they make me so happy.... and I say that with the most amount of sarcasm humanly possible. Why won't Friday night get here already? I'm trying to be patient.....
@~>~~
8:55 am - Washed away...../Countdown to my birthday- 11 more days
I hurt inside. A lot. A whole lot. I didn't think this kind of pain could be felt. I didn't realize people could hurt you, you could hurt yourself, they way I've been hurt recently. I'm not blaming anyone specifically as much as I want to; it's just as much anyone else's fault as it is my own. I made my choice. My decision. And I'm sticking to it. I was unhappy, so I chose to change things. I wasn't willing to live in the situation I was in. I thought that was understood. It was agreed upon. "Taking a break".
Next thing I know, people are using the internet to insult me. To threaten me. To slander my name. I'm back in middle school, when the boys tormented me and I couldn't stop it. When they called me cruel things and told people lies about me and tried getting me into trouble and I couldn't do a thing to make it go away. I was harassed at school on a constant basis, so constant that I stopped going for a while in an effort to quiet the storm. And now it's back again, only I don't know how to run from it.
People chose sides, they picked teams, and I stand alone on mine. And I will stand alone. I refuse to go back to a situation in which I was unhappy, in which I was so unhappy I purposely forgot about the world and had the time of my life for one short weekend. A relationship shouldn't make you want to do something so hurtful. Yes, I know what I did was wrong. I have apologized to the appropriate parties for lying. I licked my wounds clean, and now I'm moving on. Why must people insist upon pulling me back into the past? Into a black vortex that you can't do anything about no matter how much you wish for it? The past is the past; we learn from it to forge a new path unto the future.
At this point, my future is looking bleak enough as it is. Yes, I will graduate in December 2008; yes, I will be studying abroad Summer 2008; but those are the only major positive future goals I have. The present consists of a giant maze that no matter how hard I try, I can find neither a map nor a compass nor an exit, so I continually roam in circles, hitting dead ends at almost every turn. The light needs to come back to me. I need to feel that light inside again. At this point, there's only pain, and I want so badly to make the pain go away. So terribly badly.
Another plus: A boy in the lands of Vega. A boy who may be interested in me, just me. A boy who can stand his own ground when he wants to, who I don't have to babysit or make decisions for. Is there something there? I don't know. I suppose I will find out this weekend, though. He calls and almost instantly my day is brighter. He laughs and i get all gushy inside. I haven't felt this happy, this content with a boy in a long while. I've been through so many loop-de-loos and roller coasters, dealing with a rape, a self-centered fool and a child who made me his entire world, that I don't know which way is up. But I sure do hope this will be a good thing.
In the meantime, I will continue to stand my ground. I will try to remain positive and keep my chin up no matter what garbage they throw at me. I'm afraid I'm going to lose the person who I love the most and if thus is the case, then so be it. My own health, safety and well-being are worth more to me than the love of another. I will love again. It may take time, but I will love again. And I will survive all of this.
Throwing myself back into the game, stepping away from SCA, might be what helps. Yes, it's nice to be a nobody, but it's good to be a somebody as well. And I certainly am a somebody. Starting to work on the Squire's Academy; going to submit the newcomer's guide for a Ministry Project. Fingers crossed it will pass. Will start to ask about Master Work stuff; I'm thinking it won't happen for a long while, though. I want it, but at the same time, I'm scared of it. Bad tastes can hurt one's spirit.
I've written too much as usual. I'm trying to help the pain. I've stopped cutting, I'm going to a counselor. I still have terrible upset stomachs constantly, but I don't know how to stop those, nor do I know how to keep myself from getting sick all the time. Stress is painful, but I just have to work around it. Call if you'd like; I may not answer, but I will try to call back. Sorry to those who keep calling and I still haven't answered; it's just been hard. I will try my hardest to get back to all of you, though. Love to all.
@~>~~
current mood: 
nostalgic
current music: "Gone" by Kelly Clarkson
1:08 pm - Congestion? Of course! / Countdown to my birthday- 12 more days
Yeah, so being allergic to Tylenol really causes a problem when you're congested. I cannot take half of the over-the-counter medications that drugstores sell because they have acetaminophen in them. So guess what I get to take? CLARITIN! Yeppers, ladies and gentlemen, I'm taking allergy medication to get rid of a post-nasal drip, sore throat and plugged up ears. I rule sometimes.
Went through the off-campus housing fair a few minutes ago. I've got a lot of things that will be changing. A lot more than I'd hoped for, but I suppose that's gonna be how life is from now on. Just need to take it one day at a time.
Got a call just to say hi. It was only about a 2 1/2 minute call, but it was a call nonetheless. Haven't had that happen in a long while, and it sure made me smile. I'm so excited about my trip; it's seriously going to rawk.
Smiling through the pain. Received some unsettling news this morning, so there's yet another thing I need to work through. Family is family, no matter what, but sometimes family hurts more than anything else does. It's hard, but we have to stick together.
Gah. Garb on the brain. Maybe I'll get to work on it some this Thursday. French is still kicking my butt so I'm off to make myself flashcards. I need to pass this friggin' class no matter what.
@~>~~
current mood: 
crazy
current music: "As long as you love me" by the Backstreet Boys
8:43 am - Stabbing through the chest, then wiped clean with tears
Wow. This weekend hurt so badly. Twin and I had the hugest fight ever. I mean seriously ever. He went with his friends and I left him there. I was so upset... yesterday we talked for over two hours. He kept saying he was sorry and didn't know what to do to fix it. We're trying to just be friends and backtrack some, but it's hard. We're on terribly rough ground and I'm still so upset about it... I don't know what I can do in order to help it at all. No one wants us together, but no one wants us apart. We're pretty much screwed no matter what, and people are choosing sides, which is absolute nonsense. This is mine and his situation, not us and all our friends. What we choose to do is our business. So stick it in your ear and if you have nothing better to talk about, then you are a sad person.
@~>~~
current mood: 
sad
current music: "Uislenn" by Minna Minne
9:30 am - Turkish clothes and Rasberry Jam/Countdown to my birthday: 13 days
Coronation went as well as could be expected. I liked the way things were served. Talked to Mina a bit about garb, which was neat; she liked my new turkish stuff, so I was rather proud of myself. Also talked to Ehwaz and Isabeau as well. I don't think I'm going to do the turkish outfit as a MW, as much as I wanted to, it's too much embroidery, so I'm just doing it as an accent for the hem, sleeve and front openings, and the collar. Maybe next time. Hoping I'll get it done by Banner War, though. That'd rawk.
School's still kicking my butt, especially French; it's the new bane of my existence, besides Sensation and Perception. Oy. Going in for office hours with my professor, but we'll see how things work themselves out.
Driving up to Phoenix Wednesday, and possibly bringing my truck down with me. I know, I really can't afford it, but I also don't have a solid person that I can rely on to get rides from. Just means no more buying extra things or eating out for a long while. Sucks, but I'll survive. Tourney and Collegium also Wednesday; we'll see how they work out. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, but I have no clue personally.
It's been really cold out recently. Windy and whatnot. Not enjoying that much.
Vegas on Friday. I have a cold and a sore throat today. This blows. I'm medicating myself like crazy, but it's a bit ridiculous at this point. I just want to get better already, I'm tired of my immune system not wanting to work due to stress. I got so sick this weekend it wasn't even funny. Now everything inside me just plain hurts. I can hardly eat anything without my stomach going crazy, and it just gets worse. Ugh. Anyone have a new immune system or digestive system I can have? I think mine's done. Still, I get to see the Order of St. Michael and anyone else who goes to the movie, and chill, and get hugs and kisses from people who I will miss before I even leave. As for other things? Well, smiles are ensuing, and being told that I'm wanted and liked is definitely a plus. First time I smiled all weekend was when he called, and then things just started looking up. Need to come up with a nickname for him here. I'm probably getting in over my head, but I kind of want to a bit, which is unusual, considering my track record. Just have to take things in small doses.
Has anyone ever noticed how much gender roles get switched around in today's society? I was working with two of the Whiskey Bards yesterday and watching them interact with their wives was quite unique, if not fascinating. Men staying home to cook and clean, ladies going out on the town? Made me think about it in terms of campus, and I realized that it's partially similar to professors and TAs in a sense that within the last 80 or 100 years, women have been given so many rights and how things aren't quite equal, but much more so than they used to be. I have a professor who only wears pants, never EVER seen in a skirt or a dress, but she is a lady, and she still recieves the same amount of respect as any other teacher on campus. I was just thinking about it some.
Gah, it's time for evil french. je ne amie pas! <--- I totally did that wrong, but thats ok.
JT, gimme a call sometime if you can. I want to babble for a bit. Or if anyone else feels like calling, do so.
@~>~~
8:28 am - Coronation and Singing/Countdown to my birthday- 16 days
Coronation Saturday. No idea who's going. It's going to be small. Makes me sad. Suck an elf.
Working on documentation for the Turkish outfit; going to start the construction of it soon I hope. I have a lot to do to it, so we'll see if it gets done by Ren Faire (October). I'm studying turkish embroidery techniques now, which is rather interesting, but finding out how to do the stitches is proving to be a bit difficult. I'm going with more than one color, so that should look pretty cool. The outfit itself is comprised of 5 pieces, so it should take me a long while.... arrrg. I want to work on it so much! It's the new obsession, then when I get bored of it I will probably switch to something else temporarily until I go back. So much embroidery to do to it, though! I'm super excited and even more nervous about it. Oy. I'm trying to do the whole "work on one project at a time", but I'm having a lot of trouble with it. How random am I?
I leave for Vegas a week from today. Again. I can't wait. Good movie, good people, good food, good conversation, it's gonna rawk. Smiling faces, good hugs, sweet nothings... :o) yep, I'm having a bit of fun flying by the seat of my pants, and I'd like to think he is, too. Kudos to those who let me babble at 50000 words per minute and attempt to keep up and keep me laughing the whole time.
School's officially kicking my butt. I got an extension on one assignment, but I still have to get it and the other 3 done sooner than later. Not good, not good at all. I'm terribly worried about this, but I'm not 100% certain of what I can do other than ask for extensions and keep trying to stay on task. It's been so difficult to concentrate on anything recently because of all that has been going on. My motivation for school is dropping, which is a very, very bad thing.
I'm going to be looking into doing Teach for America when I graduate. I'm looking into doing it in the Vegas area. Not sure if it will actually happen, but we will see. I can't seem to find a place to call home, and every time I do, something happens and it's just a place that I live in again. Counseling is my passion above everything else; I want to work with people to help them sort through their problems. I'm willing to do it for peanuts, as my mom puts it. I just have to get to that point. I'm halfway there... I think... Just need to keep pushing. No matter how stubborn the world is being, I'm going to fight back. And I will succeed. I'm a lot stronger than I think sometimes.
This too, shall pass. And I will get through it.
@~>~~
current mood: 
indifferent
current music: "If you're going through Hell" by I don't know
8:27 am - Things are different now
Things are different. My best friend and I can't seem to get back on track. It's a problem, but it's one he insists we can work out. I can only hope he's right.
@~>~~
current mood: sad
current music: "Whiskey-O" by the Whiskey Bards
12:43 pm - Back...and yet gone again......
Finish the update on my trip real quick....
Monday- Went to school with Raisland. After that, we went wandering around the Fashion Show, a humongous mall on the strip. I seriously mean friggin' huge. Went off on my own for a bit and called people while wandering around aimlessly. Went to the bachelorette party; got to stuff my face with food (yay buffet) and then saw The Thunder from Down Under! Wow. Just wow. You never realize how beautiful the male body can be sometimes. Screamed my head off and loved it. Holly got pulled up on stage, then got pictures with the men afterwards. They were very nice. Smelled wonderful for dancing the entire time. Got home and promptly passed out on the couch, so I dragged myself into bed again late.
Tuesday- Lollygagged most of the morning. Watched The Phantom of the Opera, only the most amazing show on the planet. Seriously, it's my hands down absolute favorite over any show; I guess it's sentimental, since it was my first show I ever saw. Yeppers, I was 5 when I saw my first show, and it was Phantom at the Shubert in Los Angeles I think. Saw it again when I graduated high school at Gammage in Tempe, want to see it on Broadway (and possibly wherever else it's playing). It's such an amazing show. But I'm getting distracted. WEDDING TALK NOW!
Got to the place. It's called the Secret Garden, and it's this quaint little place off of Dean Martin Dr. I looked amazing, but the bride outdid everyone. She looked so pretty and so happy. I couldn't help but smile for her. The ceremony went off almost without a hitch, except for the little munchkin not quite cooperating. Walked down the aisle and back up it with Knighty, which was uber-weird, but there isn't much you can do when one is being terribly stoic around you. Had to dance first dance with him, too, which wasn't that bad; he was really sick, though, so I felt kinda bad. Saw SHMENDEREK!!!!! I've missed him so much, so it was awesome getting to see him. Danced with him for a short time, too. Hung out mostly with Rais and TRM of Vega. Good food, good conversation, I was happy getting to see them again. After, Rais and I went to the Fremont Street Experience and watched the light show, but the wind was blowing and it was super cold, so he drove me all the way down the strip, starting at the Stratosphere and going all the way to the end past Mandalay Bay. It was amazing. So many lights! I'd go back just to look at the lights on the strip at night. He drove me up to an amazing view of the city and we chilled there and looked out over everything, then went back home. Again, passed out on the couch, woke up and dragged myself to bed. I rule.
Wednesday- Heh, kickback day. I wrote up all my documentation for my turkish outfit; now I need to actually get started on the embroidery. Slept for an hour, ripped some CDs, mostly lollygagged, read, did absolutely nothing and loved it. Went to Olive Garden with Rais and enjoyed an amazing dinner, then fighter's practice. Saw a bunch of people, but of course my camera wasn't working so I couldn't take pictures. Suck an elf. Making plans to be an honorary member of the order of St. Michael; super psyched about it. Got to the airport only to find that my plane was an hour late, so I chilled at the airport for 2 hours instead of one. Finally got home at 12:30am, then went home. Slept. Not very well. Suck.
I'm going back to Las Vegas in a week. March 9-11. Going to see 300 with the Order of St. Michael, then hang out with people. Super stoked about it. It's my partial Spring Break vacation since I'm working the whole time over Spring Break. Get to see people again whom I miss terribly already and talk and eat and enjoy myself. Just have to keep thinking positive.
May have to give up some extra-cirriculars, though. I've fallen behind in my studies, so I'm going to have to drop a thing or 2. Monday nights and possibly friday nights will be devoted to homework, and Thursdays may be taken over, too, which totally bites because I'm about to start on the scroll I really want to do. That and begin my uber-huge sewing excursion; I'm hoping it'll be done by Ren Faire, but we'll see how much I can actually get done. I don't want to give anything up, but it's that or drop a class, and I think I missed the deadline to drop without a W on my transcript, and I can't risk that. I know, I'm cutting my nose off to spite my face, but I'm trying to make sense of myself in a world where everything is pure chaos at this point. Random side note: I'm the proud owner of my own truck. Yeppers, I now pay the insurance on it, so it's coming down to me in July/August. Yay. I'm rather excited. I'll have a car, and it's one with a huge-ish bed so I can cart stuff around. Yay.
Trying to stay afloat. Life's getting difficult again, but there's only so much I can do in order to keep my head partially on. Just have to remember to breathe.... and do my homework. And not think about cute boys with piercing eyes who drive me insane. :o) I'm in trouble, I can feel it, and I don't care and I don't want it to stop. I can't wait for next Friday.
@~>~~
current mood: 
stressed
current music: "Imperfection" by Saving Jane
9:21 am - How dare you
How dare you! How dare you condemn me and my choices when you know NOTHING about me? How dare you treat me as inferior when I have done NOTHING to you, including ever carrying a conversation with you?
It's one thing to insult someone you know, but it's a completely different thing to insult someone you only know through someone else.
I live the way I want to and choose what I want to do.
Where does your opinion fit in there?
Absolutely nowhere.
What kind of a person calls someone names from 300 miles away?
What kind of a person tells their sibling just how much of a bitch I am when I'm supposed to be with them?
I know I've stumbled and haven't made the best of choices, but who are you to look down upon me? At least I haven't resorted to not eating just to feel better. At least I am comfortable in my own skin. At least I know I have friends and family who, at the end of the day, I know will be there and will love me no matter how I look and act.
But you? You have NOTHING.
@~>~~
current mood: 
angry
current music: "Take another little piece of my heart" remake by Faith Hill
11:24 am - Lights, stars, music and mayheim
Wow. I've only been here for two days and I'm in heaven like whoa. It reminds me of Tucson, except that it has the popular, playtime aspect as well as the small-town feel. I love it I love it I love it.
Teach for America does a program in Las Vegas Valley.... I was looking into doing TfA when I graduate, maybe in Vegas might be a good idea....
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Weekend update!
Friday night: Got here. Rais picked me up at the airport which was SO FRIGGIN' HUGE HOMG! It was insane. I got lost trying to find him. Found him! Went to his house. Interrupted a baronial meeting because everyone there was saying hi and wanting hugs and whatnot. Stuffed my face with wonderful homemade goodness. Stayed up late talking to people, telling jokes and swapping horror stories about piercings and tattoos. I laughed so hard I kept squeeking and Wolfier thought it was the funniest thing ever.
Saturday: Got up around 9ish. Showered in a REAL SHOWER WITH REAL HOT WATER. lollygagged around the house with Colt, Rais and Joe. Drove around town "just because", went and saw a gorgeous view of the city, then went to fighter's practice. Met up with the templars, TRM, wolfier, and a bunch of other people whose names have slipped my mind. Ended up fighting; did group tactics and our team won all but one bout I think. I was super excited. Paul took me over to Stacy and Kevin's where I spent the rest of the day/night. Watched TV, had food, took a "nap", chatted with people, watched Beerfest, went to bed, slept partially, talked, got a new shirt for sleeping in, got picked up around 10 the next morning.
Sunday: Wandered around the strip. Walked from Mandalay Bay all the way down to Treasure Island (looking in shops and got lunch and whatnot), then crossed the street and walked all the way back. Grand total of 3 or 4 miles. MILES. I was terribly sore; still am. Slept on the car ride home. Watched Star Trek: First Contact, then made stir-fry with Cozy and Rais. Got kicked out of the house, so went back to Stacy and Kevin's, where Rais and I chilled and were bored and loved every minute of it. Went back to Rais' house where I promptly passed out on the couch. Got woken up and dragged myself to bed. I slept like the dead until this morning when I had to be woken up to come to school. Yes, school. I'm in the library at CCSN while Rais goes to class. Today we're going shopping, then making steaks for dinner, then I'm meeting up with the girls and it's THUNDER FROM DOWN UNDER TIME! I'll probably give everyone another update in a few days, but that's been the weekend so far. I'm having a blast hanging out with all of my friends; it's a wonderful, giddy-inside feeling to have people tell you they've missed you and genuinely mean it. It's like hearing it come from my mom or my sisters; it just has more meaning when you know it's from the heart.
The only downfall? I've been having a really good time with someone and I don't really want it to end. That part's a bit sucky. Made him real jealous when I said Rais was my date for the wedding. Whoops. Too bad I can't bring 'em both. That'd be kinda cool. Not sure what I'm doing right now, but the floundering is kinda working to my advantage. I like it, not having to worry or care about what's going on.
I'm already making plans to come back; yes I know I'm crazy and that's ok. I really do like it here a lot more than I should; the people are wonderful and there are 24 hour places to go and all sorts of other fun stuff. We'll see what happens, though; I've still got to get myself to France and graduate next December. So many goals, I should make a list :o)
Also, thanks for worrying about me. I'm kinda worrying about me, too, but I'm trying to think positive. Marriage? Not in my cards currently; maybe, possibly, hopefully in the future, but not right now. Flying by the seat of my pants? Most definitely. And hey! Who knows? Maybe things will work out and I'll end up here after college. I am looking at doing Teach for America.... and they'll help to pay off my student loans. Looking for an SG, as nice as they are, is becoming a problem, and I just keep getting hurt. Frog kissing is a lot more common than I thought it was. Suck an elf.
And Rais just got out of class. Time for lunch!
@~>~~
current mood: giddy
current music: "Broken" by Amy Suther and some other guy who I can't name
8:40 am - Hibiscus tea and internet surfing
I have less than nothing to do at work and my homework I left at home, so I've scoured the internet for...... QUIZZES! That's right, ladies and gentlemen, you get to suffer through my quiz rants. Maybe they'll teach you a thing or 2 about me... *cough-birthday-coming-up-cough*
Quiz ONE
1. Nervous habits? Biting my nails. I also sing and dance a lot. And I stop talking when I don't know someone (rather crazy, but terribly true)
2. Are you double jointed? Yeah, my arms/shoulders
3. Can you roll your tongue? yeppers, in multiple ways
4. Can you raise one eyebrow at a time? Sure can. Learned it from my daddy
5. Can you blow spit bubbles? Wish I could; I've tried so many times
6. Can you cross your eyes? Nopers
7.Tattoos? Nopers
8. Piercings? 2 in each ear, one in my nose
9. Do you make your bed daily? HA! If I've dragged myself out of it, it's made enough
-- CLOTHES --
10. Which shoe goes on first? Usually the left one, now that I think about it
11. Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone? Yeppers, at Cody, Jake and Andrew. I like throwing shoes. 'Twas great fun at the time, 'til they wouldn't give them back to me.
12. On the average, how much money do you carry? $20 usually
13. What jewelry do you wear? Earrings, necklace, claddaugh, nose stud (or ring if I'm feeling a-venturous), bracelet, ummmmmmm
14. Favorite piece of clothing? Depends on my mood. I have a really awesome dress that I covet as well as a pair of pajama bottoms that I could live in.
-- FOOD --
15. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? Twirl it. Spinning it makes it more fun!
16. Have you ever eaten Spam? Ummmmmm, ewww. No thank you
17. Favorite ice cream flavor? Chocolate chip cookie dough (and yes, I know it's not a flavor and I don't care)
18. How many cereals in your cabinet? I think there are 3, but it may be 4. Too bad I don't have any soymilk..... :o(
19. What's your favorite beverage? Chai tea, hands down.
20. What's your favorite restaurant? Ummmm.... I guess Mimi's
21. Do you cook? Yeppers. I take over people's kitchens and make wonderful yummy things.
-- GROOMING --
22. How often do you brush your teeth? Not often enough, I can tell you that much
23. Hair drying method? Umm, towel wrapped around head, then shake it out. Short hair rawks
24. Have you ever colored/highlighted your hair? Yeppers, put dark red and blonde streaks in it once. Looked amazing
-- MANNERS --
25. Do you swear? I try not to, but it doesn't always work out so well
26. Do you ever spit? Currently, yes; my lungs seem to want to come out in pieces
-- WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE --
27. Animal? Dolphin
28. Food? Macaroni and cheese and frosting (though not together, it doesn't taste good at all)
29. Month? Hmmmmmm That's a hard one.
30. Day? Wednesday: FIGHTER PRACTICE
31. Cartoon? Don't watch them
32. Shoe Brand? Whatever brand fits
33. Subject in school? Art history
34. Color? BLUE! BLUE BLUE BLUE!!!!
35. Sport? Does swordfighting count as a sport?
36. TV show? Yeah, don't watch TV
37. Thing to do in the spring? art outdoors, ie, drawing/painting springtime as it changes
38. Thing to do in the summer? SWIMMING!
39. Thing to do in the fall? School......
40. Thing to do in the winter? Sleep in, lounge around in pajamas watching movies and drinking hot chocolate. My roommate and I rawk sometimes.
-- IN AND AROUND --
41. The CD player? It was Celine Dion, last I checked, but it will be my sister's "Teenage love song" mix
42. Person you talk most on the phone with? Gah. My mom, my sisters, my best friend, it's a tie
43. Ever taken a cab? Once in Ohio, otherwise no, never
44. Do you regularly check yourself out in store windows and mirrors? What? I'm so not that conceited
45. What color is your bedroom? The walls are uber colorful, namely 'cause I can't deal with white walls
46. Do you use an alarm clock? Yeppers. Has to be set early, though, 'cause I hate getting up to it
47. Window seat or aisle? Aisle. Aisle Aisle Aisle
-- LA LA LAND --
48. What's your sleeping position? Curled up on either side, snuggled up to something or someone if they're there
49. Even in hot weather do you use a blanket? does a sheet count?
50. Do you snore? Not snore, more like breathe really heavily and sound like I'm having a heart attack or somethign
51. Do you sleepwalk? Nopers
52. Do you talk in your sleep? Used to, not sure if I still do
53. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? Yeppers, with 2 and I love them both
54. How about with the light on? Nopers, can't
55. Do you fall asleep with the TV or radio on? Can't. Need silence
56. Last interesting person you met? Cosimo. I get to pick his and the other Whiskey Bards brains out soon. SO PSYCHED!
57. Weirdest place you've ever puked? Huh? Never miss the trash can/toilet. I'm just that good.
59. Grossest thing you've ever seen? I don't do gross; makes me nauseous. Part of the reason why I don't do horror movies.
60. Most disgusting thing you've ever eaten? I was told eggplant, but I beg to differ. The fried tofu wasn't all that wonderful
61. What's that smell? Hibiscus tea; I'm attempting to drown out a sore throat before i have to speak in public. Suck.
And yet, I'm still bored and my one-on-one still isn't here. This bites my earlobe.
I think I just made someone angry. *sigh* I suck sometimes.
Quiz TWO
Name: Here it's Inara. Most places it's becoming Inara.
Birthdate: March 18
Birthplace: Van Nuys, CA
Current Location: Office at work
Eye Color: Blue with a yellow ring around the center, so the color tends to change
Hair Color: Red. Just red
Righty or Lefty: Lefty
Zodiac Sign: Pisces
Innie or Outtie: Innies
-----------------DESCRIBE------------------
The shoes you wore today: Blackish velcro shoes
Your fears: being alone
-----------------WHAT IS------------------
Your most overused phrase: There are a few: Best ever, nurgle, oh snap, ummmm
Your thoughts first waking up: Ugh, my throat hurts; YAY it's FRIDAY!
The first thing you notice in the opposite sex: Height
Your best physical feature: Probably my eyes
Your bedtime: 12ish
Your most missed memory: childhood. I loved being a kid
-----------------YOU PREFER------------------
Pepsi or coke: Meh, if I had to choose, I guess Pepsi
McDonald's or Burger King: McD's, except that I don't eat at either place
Single or group dates: Both. Depends on what you want to do
Adidas or Nike: Who cares?
Chocolate or vanilla: Depends on my mood
Cappuccino or coffee: Neither. Chai baby!
-------------DO YOU------------------
Smoke: Nopers. Asthmatic
Cuss: I try not to
Take a shower everyday: I try to
Have a crush(es): Unfortunately. They will be the death of my
Think you've been in love: Yes. It's hard
Want to go to college: Already there and almost done
Liked high school: Sure did
Want to get married: Someday, though not today or anytime soon
Type w/ your fingers on the right keys: There are right keys?
Believe in yourself: If I didn't who else would?
Get motion sickness: Used to; don't think I do now
Think you're attractive: Sure I am.
Think you're a health freak: Used to be. Not so much now
Get along with your parents: Again, I try to. Current situations make things a bit more difficult
Like thunderstorms: Meh, depends
Play an instrument: Does singing count?
------------IN THE PAST MONTH DID:/:HAVE YOU--------------
Go to the mall: Yeppers
Eaten sushi: Yeppers
Been on stage: I think so, yes
Had sex: define that one for me
Been dumped: Nopers...well, actually, possibly
Gone skating: No and I want to
Dyed your hair: Nopers
Stolen anything: Nopers. It's kinda illegal
-------------HAVE YOU EVER------------------
Flown on a plane: yeppers
Told a guy/girl that you liked them?: yeppers
Cried during a Movie?: yeppers
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: kinda sorta yeah
Been caught "doing something": Probably
Gotten beaten up?: Not since I stopped fighting
Been in a fight: Yeppers, much to everyone's shock and horror
---------------THE FUTURE------------------
Age you hope to be married: Dunno, guess lat 20's
How many kids do you want and what names would you name them? I'd like at least 2 kids, possibly 3 or 4, and I have no clue on names
Describe your Dream Wedding: Heh, yeah, haven't come up with that one. Just the dress
How do you want to die?: I'm supposed to die? Yeah, when I'm old and decrept and have lived a long life of crazy-insane-wonderous things
What do you want to be when you grow up?: Art Therapist working with middle school/high school students
What country would you most like to visit?: Ireland, but I'm going to France next summer!
-----------------OPPOSITE SEX------------------
Best eye color: Don't care
Best hair color: Don't care
Short or long hair: Again, don't care
Best height: I like 'em kinda tall, but again, doesn't matter
Best weight: weight? What? Nopers
Best date location: Park to play on the swingset
Best kiss location(on body): Back of the neck
-----------------NUMBER OF-----------------
Number of people I could trust with my life: 10
Number of CDs that I own: a lot
Number of piercings: 5
Number of tattoos: None
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: Ummmmm...... at least 8 or 9 times. People like interviewing me I guess
Number of scars on my body: A lot more than I'd like to fess up to; my skin takes to scarring waaaaaay to easily
Number of things in my past that I regret: A few things, though not too much. However, you learn from your mistakes, so.....
----------------RIGHT NOW------------------
Wearing: Brown wrap dress over jeans, awesome thrift store hat
Drinking: Hibiscus tea still
Thinking about: Going to Vegas this weekend
Listening to: Something a co-worker has playing in the background
---------IN THE LAST 24 HRS------------------
Cried: Yeppers
Worn jeans: yeppers
Met someone new online: Possibly?
Done laundry: Nopers
Drove a car: Nopers
Talked on the phone: Yeppers
---------------DO YOU BELIEVE IN--------------
Yourself: Yeppers
Your friends: Yeppers
Santa Claus: That's a long drawn out conversation
Destiny/Fate: Depends
God: Yeppers
--------FRIENDS AND LIFE------------------
Do you ever wish you had another name?: I kinda like my birth name, actually
Who have you known the longest of your friends?: Since elementary school, so about 12 or 13 years
Are you close to any family members?: My sisters, my mom, my mom's parents, my mom's siblings and their kids, ummmmmm
When have you cried the most?: I cannot stand crying, so when I do, it's a major catastrophe. Last time would have to be when the world came crashing down around me back in January. Those few weeks were the worst.
What's the best feeling in the world?: Holding someone and being held and just being content with it
Worst Feeling?: Someone walking away from you when you're wishing with all your heart they'd turn around
What time is it now? 9:26 in the morning
This bites. I've gotta go get a book to read.
Quiz THREE
1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
Damn, I didn't know my hair could stand up that high
2. How much cash do you have on you?
Not a clue, like $10
3. What's a word that rhymes with "TEST"
Zest, as in "Zest for life"
4. Favorite planet?
Used to be Neptune, 'cause that was my ruling planet. Now I'm not sure
5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
Tami, Gael's Squire
6. What is your favorite ring on your phone?
Who cares? It rings, I answer
7. What shirt are you wearing?
Not a shirt, a wrap dress over pants
8. Do you "label" yourself?
I don't think so, unless you count nicknames
9. Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing.
Something from Payless
10. Bright or Dark Room?
Depends. I like bright, but sometimes you need the dark, too
11. What do you think about the last person who took this survey?
Jill rawks
13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Typing up an email to someone that I'd forgotten to email song lyrics to
14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
Best friend telling me he'd be on his way in 10-15 minutes last night
15. Where is your nearest 7-11?
I think it's across the street from my dorm.....
16. What's a saying that you use a lot?
Best EVER!
17.Who told you they loved you last?
My mommy
18. Last furry thing you touched?
Princess, Jake and Gael's kitty. She yelled at me for taking her off of my lap when I had to go finish cleaning
19. How Many Drugs Have You Done In The Past three Days?
None.
20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
I think one, actually, it's from last summer... yeah I rule.
21. Favorite age you have been so far?
It's been agreed upon that age 4 is the best age ever.
22. Your worst enemy?
Myself
23. What is your current desktop picture?
TRIO SSS and something else. Again I'm at work
24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
I appologized to someone for making them mad. It was through an email, though
25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, which would you choose?
Probably million bucks. Pay off things that need to be paid off, then invest
26. Do you like someone?
Infatuation, yes. Like? Heck if I know. My mind changes at the drop of a hat. Although, if you want to call it like, the answer is yes.... times 3.
27. The last song you listened to?
Bawdy songlist from Whitney
My brain feels like mush now. And my throat still hurts like whoa. This is bad. I'm going to go get some cough medicine. i could use it right about now.
@~>~~
current mood: restless
current music: "Restless" by Allison Krauss and Union Station
11:07 pm - Buggaboo, Buggaboo, Bugga........ACHOO!!!!
I cannot stand being sick. Wanna know what's worse? Being stressed. I have officially eaten everything in sight and my stomach hurts so much I want to force my entire fist down my throat so that I can rip my own stomach out. Ouch.
I don't know exactly, 100% what I want, but I do know this much: I'm going to graduate. I'm going to get my degree. I'm going to get a good job. I'm going to go to grad school and, with any luck, get my Master's and my Ph D. I'm going to be successful. There is no "can't" or "won't" in my world, and that's how things work. I aim to be positive; I set my goals high and I work to achieve them. Yes, I've hit rock bottom multiple times in the past few months, but I think that with everything that has been happening, I have a bit of leeway there. I still have so much life, so much passion, and I want to share it with the world. Yes, I am eternally optimistic, and I love it that way. My heart may be on my sleeve, but I'm happier than most people I know who have been hit with so much garbage.
Have you ever looked around, really looked, and seen things with nothing more than an observant eye? While getting dinner, I walked by 3 couples all going to eat. Each of them were holding hands. One couple was quiet, one was laughing, and one seemed oblivious to everything around them. I helped Jake and Gael clean up stuff from war tonight. They were loud and argued a lot, but they were still happy with one another. The spectrum of the dating/relationship/marriage situations are so broad, it's hard to compare one to another. I don't know when or if I will end up with someone forever; yes, I'd like it, but I am also an angel, and my wings will carry me wherever I so choose. If someone can tame this wild angel, I'd be curious as to how they will try and do it.
Just a few things to chew on. Wedding next week and VEGAS this weekend. Super excited. Gonna be an awesomely awesome time like whoa.
@~>~~
P.S.- New infatuation. Jumping in head first? HA! As if I had enough courage to. We'll see what happens, though....
@~>~~
current mood: groggy
current music: Barenaked Ladies on the Late Show with David Letterman
9:30 am - CHOCOLATE! NOW! Please?
Oy. This is crazy. Absolutely insane.
JT. Call me, s'il te plait? Houston, I have a problem.
On the upside, garb looked good this weekend. I love Ande's Mountain Mints and Chai-S'more. Yes, I do. And I also love miscommunications and how messy things get. What can I say? I guess I truly do thrive on chaos. Will write a long-ish message about what happened/is happening. Must run to class currently. Arvoir!
@~>~~
current mood: confused
current music: "Pretty Baby" by Vanessa Carlton
11:56 pm - Estrella: Estrella Estrella Estrella
Maybe if I close my eyes tight enough, I can pretend I'm back....
Wow. Crazy-insane time. CRAZY INSANE. Did I mention Crazy-INSANE? I sang. I partied. I danced. I slept. I ate. I lollygagged. I waterbeared. I did it all. And then some. Regrets? Meh, not really. Just a lot of crazy fun. Do I miss it? Oh yeah. Who wouldn't miss a week of freedom from the daily troubles of life? No problems, no work, no school, no nothing I needed to be stressing over. Simply the here and now, or there and then I guess would be a better statement. Met a lot of people; made a lot more connections. Snake bites and armour bites. Smiles and frowns. Drowned in my woes on the last day; I was depressed it was ending. But all in all, an excellent weekend.
Big changes occurring. Taking a break. Need to sort things out. Did anyone else realize how young I am? How much I have going for me? How little I have lived? I want my life back; it wasn't taken, but I want it back. And I'm going to take it.
Vegas Friday-Wednesday. Going to see old and new friends. Going to see Thunder Down Under. Going to see my uncle possibly. And, of course, the best part: THE WEDDING! Yep, me and my date are gonna be rawkin' that place, then we are going out on the town. I so cannot wait. I get yet another vacation. Life will be good. I will be content. And the world will keep spinning.
@~>~~
current mood: 
exhausted
current music: "Sober men a plenty" by I forgot
1:40 pm - My Valentine's Day decree (A day early)
So I'm decreeing this day-before-Valentine's my day to babble about Valentine's-esque stuff. This was something I started writing on my myspace, but I'm finishing it here. I'm curious as to what people think, or what their own ideas are, so if you're willing, I'd love to hear your perspective or input.
Love is
by Me
Love is holding one's hand when the going gets tough.
Love is letting someone scream their head off at you when they don't know what else to do.
Love is long, late-night walks around downtown at 2am.
Love is swinging on the swing set when the earth is crashing down around them.
Love is friendship.
Love is snuggling every night after a terribly long, grown-up sort of day.
Love is cooking breakfast for them (even if it is just heating waffles in the toaster).
Love is crying with them when things are so hard they can't even see straight.
Love is making wristies to help make the pain go away when it won't stop.
Love is companionship.
Love is driving 125 miles just to help them run away from life.
Love is singing in the car to the laptop 'cause the radio doesn't always work.
Love is helping pay for groceries when they need to eat and can't afford to.
Love is buying the fabric that they want but can't afford, "just because."
Love is heartfelt.
Love is always unconditional, and it's never "I'm too busy for you" or "I'll see you when I'm bored or he/she isn't interested in me".
Love is working through the tough spots, like religion and gender roles and finances and family and life in general.
Love is never cruel, or if it is, it doesn't mean to be.
Love is the beacon of light that gets us out of the tunnel of the unknown.
Love is always forgiving.
@~>~~
current mood: content
current music: "Love is" by Clint Black I think
8:45 pm - Little Kid in a Grown-up Body
I just filed my taxes. And did my FAFSA. My brain hurts and I've used up about 6 tissues from crying so much.
Why does being a grown-up have to be so friggin' hard?
@~>~~
current mood: stressed
current music: "Loosen up my buttons" by the pussycat dolls(TV in the back)
9:51 am - Monday, Monday.......
I was busy all week AND weekend. Oy. SCA practice Tuesday; sang for Yonaton and he said our group has potential. So much for it being a fun little thing. Wednesday Twin and I drove up to Phx to see Mommy and Seeeester; they're doing peachy. Went to Solaris' fighter's practice and chatted with people for a little bit. Thursday went to Golda's and sewed and 3/4 made a turkish/persian coat for Estrella. It's light blue velvet and BRIGHT FLIPPIN' PINK lining; I love it so much. Friday my love took me to brunch, then I hung out with Codykins in the afternoon (YAY!), then slept off an upset stomach. Met up with Jen and Clarissa and sewed while my love watched a movie that was seriously a parallel of our world: Barefoot in the Park. Saturday was Altiora Champion event; HRM Reinhardt won Steel and Rapier, Cronos won Shinai and Archery, and I won Arts. Yippee. Went over to foster parent's house and sewed ALL FLIPPIN' DAY LONG, but I got all my sewing done for Estrella minus the froggies; I'm making those tonight and will sew them onto my garb on Wednesday when we get there. Yesterday Twin and I slept in until 10:30, then drove around town going to art and fabric stores. Went to my dorm and sewed and did homework, then went to his house and ate dinner. I continued doing hw while he and Codykins (YAY AGAIN!) played video games. We went outside and messed around, then the Codykins went home around 11:30pm. Got to sleep at about 1am, had to get up at 6:30am (SUCK ME IN THE EAR WITH A SPOON) so I would make it to work on time, which I did. So not fair. I'm exhausted. But I feel like I'm getting things done.
Going to work on scrolls, embroidery and whatever else i can think of at Estrella. I leave in.... 2 more days. EEEEEEP. Still nervous, but I keep getting told that I'm going to be fine. I have to get all my hw done in the meantime before I leave, though... and Renewal Tourney is on Tuesday. Still need to print/copy membership papers. I hope we make Duchy, I hope, I hope, I hope!
Crackers, I'm late for class. If I forget to update again, see all of you after Estrella!
@~>~~
current mood: sleepy
current music: The radio was on but I was half asleep, so nothing this time
9:36 am - Who's willing to drive?
So I'm making a warm coat this week with Isabeau and Golde for Estrella and I can't wait! Twin's looking for pretty fabric at his work for me, then we're getting microfleece to line it in a cool color.. I'm thinking orange and I have no idea why, but I'm excited to make myself a cool coat that will keep me warm! No more stealing Twin's lap at practice... well, actually, I might anyways, but who cares? I'll be warmer!
Good weekend. Spent it with my pseudo-foster parents (Gael and Jake). They are truly some of the most amazing people I've ever met. And I do appreciate them for it. The other amazing people? Golde and Isabeau. They make me so happy! And you can never forget Twin. He's been through a lot with me, and he's still standing by my side. Kudos to the strong people who help those who are strong when they are weak. Holly, you too. And my sisters. And my mom. And Michael and Avis. Oy. I need to write a massive thank you letter to the world and just post it. Anywho...
Still need to do school stuff, but my SCA and ECS are being put back in order. I started talking to my knight about the Ranger's Guild and the Library demo and she really likes the ideas; thinks we might be able to do them and can get me connected to the right people. Yippee! Not only that, but a rather exciting thing happened this weekend: Gael referred to me as her apprentice! I literally shot the moon over it. Life is looking up a bit at the moment. Now for the harder task: Getting my schoolwork done. lol This should be an interesting week to say the least.
@~>~~
current mood: mellow
current music: "I turn to You" by Christina Aguilera
11:39 am - Spinning in circles 'til I fall down
I sewed yesterday. All day long. From 10am til 10:30pm. I got 2 anteris (the period version of a ghwazee coat) done and a pair of harem pants. Today I'm making froggie closures for the coats. I'm rather proud of myself. Focusing on one small-ish project at a time and that seems to be working so far. I was told I'm going to have my ups and downs and I just have to accept them as they come. Yeah, so not how I work, but I don't have much choice in the matter, now do I?
Prepping for Estrella. Mostly making clothes. Then the wedding. I believe I'm already set for that... I hope. Then Coronation. I believe I have my clothes for that, so I'm not worrying too much... oy. Breathe. Have to remember to BREATHE. Take it all in small doses. Focus on School and Estrella at the moment.
@~>~~
current mood: 
anxious
current music: "Fighter" by Chritina Aguilera
11:57 pm - You'd better take a step or two back
The worst kind of fight? The kind where you're the only one doing the yelling while the other person stands there and does NOTHING. You feel like even more of a fool.
So I thought I was doing better. I was dead wrong. I'm spitting nails at this point. I don't know what the heck I'm supposed to do now.
I just want to disappear. I'm so mad and angry and frustrated and stressed and NOTHING is working in my favor. I still want, I'm still hurt, I'm still upset, and I can't seem to do anything. And offering help? Just makes it worse, 'cause if I don't know what I need to do, how the heck am I going to know what you can do to make it better?
Probably not going to answer my phone. Leave a message, 'cause I won't be checking it for missed calls. If people wish to forget me, consider this my repayment.
@~>~~
current mood: angry
current music: "True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper
10:08 pm - Sitting on a fence post, chewing my bubble gum....
Doing a lot better. I finished my viking outfit (including the embroidery on the chemise), got stuff all squared away for the April 7th event, sang with Asrune even though practice was canceled, I'm planning on making more ghwazee's and anteri's before Estrella, so I seem to be in the ok right now. I'm thinking positive which is what I haven't done in a long while.
And about dwelling on what I don't have but want and won't do anything about it? Does NOTHING. Absolutely nothing. So why dwell? Unless I'm going to risk it (which at the moment I'm too damn scared to) there's no point in being upset. I just need to keep thinking that. I had the courage to ask him out tonight, but then practice got canceled. If I still have it, maybe I'll do it tomorrow, but who knows? I'm so fickle these days.
I think I need to be a butterfly again for a bit. I think it will bring me back, 'cause I don't seem to be quite where I was.
Super excited about Estrella. So much I need to do still... I think... no idea. Oy. Got my dean's excuse, though, so life is GOOD. And once I get my french homework done, I'm totally going to cut out some coats to make. Yeah, I still have my gomlek and HRM Reinhardt's doublet to make, but he said he wants it done whenever, so I'm not too worried. Just have to keep thinking positive thoughts, otherwise I get depressed, and I don't like it.
I took the wristies off today. And it felt good to. Freeing. I really think I'm getting better. I'm going to make a few mistakes, but I'm trying. Really trying now. And the skies aren't as gray as I thought they were.
@~>~~
current mood: hopeful
current music: "You and Your Hand" by Pink
8:59 am - Inara the blue-eyed
I figured out my persona finally. I mean sat down and studied a few things and have decided what I want to do. It's the same within both games, the only exception is within SCA I have to be "_____ called Inara", but that's fine; everyone will call me the name I want anyway. I shall be Inan called Inara al-Narqa' (Inara al-Narqa' in ECS), which means "a light among the darkness and the blue-eyed". I am Arabic, from the Arabian peninsula, living during the early 16th century (during the time of the Ottoman Empire). Both my parents are cloth traders/merchants, and since I lived during a time when they tried to stop sea trade, we joined a Turkish caravan and travel throughout the Hanseatic Isthmus selling our wares (cloth and fabric). That's it. End of story. I've figured things out. Took me long enough but I don't care. I'm working on period garb now, which is a bit harder; I have so much! I'm thinking I may sell some just to get rid of a bit 'cause I have waaaaaaaaaay too much. I need/want to make a decorated bra; it will look nice and I don't want all the noise that usually comes with my own coin bra. I still have a lot of prep work to do before Estrella; I'm super nervous about it, but we'll see how it goes.
Still a total mess. Need to stay positive, but it's not working so well. Suck an elf. Trying though. Probably not trying as hard as I should be, but I am trying. I've got a few projects I may work on this weekend, along with some other stuff I need to focus on like school, so I may be able to distract myself. However, it's a lot harder than I thought.
@~>~~
current mood: 
blah
current music: Another Asrune Bawdy song (can't remember the name)
9:53 pm - Wallowing.....
So I'm sad. I'm just sad. I cannot seem to get out of this; the counselor said it would take time, but time is what it seems I do not have.
I want what I cannot have, I want something that only seems to hurt me, but I still want it. What is wrong with me? I have a good person who's standing right in front of me, yet I still keep looking behind me. Why? I feel so low, so small, I know not of what I can do. I don't know what I want from him, but I still want him. And I hate myself for it.
I'm trying to cope with everything but it's extremely hard. I just want to cry every moment of every day, so I pretend that I'm ok, and that's draining in itself. It just seems like I'm never going to be happy. I really wish there was some way I could work through this; I know it takes time but I feel like it's just getting worse now. I don't know why I keep hurting or why I want something I know I cannot have. G-d help me, I'm at the end of my rope. I need support and I need hope and I need so much and I'm too stubborn to ask for it even though it's being given to me. I don't know what to do.
@~>~~
current mood: confused
current music: "Guys and Dolls", the musical
9:39 am - You should call me.....
So I'm finally doing it. I had a breakdown last night (Thank goodness for certain people picking me up at the drop of a hat when I least expected them to), a really bad one. I'm spiraling out of control, and I need help. So, I'm skipping one of my classes today (she posts the notes on line anyway and I have a friend who takes notes in the class) to go see a counselor. I've got a whole list of things to talk about. My stomach is tied up in knots, but when you feel the way I do right now, there's a serious problem and you need to get help ASAP before you do something extreme (like I tried to do). I'm scared. I really am. I don't want to be by myself for fear I may do something drastic, but I have to keep thinking that I'm going to be getting help soon, that I just need to wait one more hour....
I compiled a list of everything that's going on, and I'm just going to go through it and probably cry most of the time. I'm so miserable right now that it's kind of scary. I put on this amazing mask that I'm fine, but in reality, things are bad. Very bad. And I need to talk to someone.
I really hate to say this, too, but it's almost as if the turn of events from this past week have come from the frog prince. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have called my dad. Almost lost my best friend. Tried to hurt myself. See a counselor. I guess some good is coming from it, even if it is from treachery.
On a completely different side note, I've been doing research on my persona for ECS and SCA. I've come up with some cool ideas, but I'll need to change my name a bit. However, I'm fighting anyone tooth and nail if they want me to lose "Inara". I can spell it Inara or Enara, but I refuse to change my name. It's MINE. I'll make it sound correct, I'll use correct spelling and whatnot to make it period, but I am NOT using a different name instead of Inara. I am the light, even if my light is dim right now. I will always be that light, and nothing nor no one will change that. I have to be strong, but it's nice to know that people are here to support me as well. So call and check up on me; I may just be the happiest person ever if you do, 'cause G-d knows I'm having enough trouble standing on my own 2 feet.
And I'm crying again. I hate getting all splotchy.
@~>~~
current mood: depressed
current music: "Gonna take a Miracle" by Manhattan Transfer
1:16 pm - Patience is supposed to make the heart grow fonder.....
My best friend is my best friend. Even if we're a couple or not, he will always be the shoulder I cry on. I'm not sure how that works itself out, but we'll see.
I'm chasing after dreams, hard dreams, dreams that scare me, but I'm doing it anyway. What's the worst that could happen? I get told no. I dust myself off and go back to what I was doing. This may work, it may not, I just have to think positively. My card reading I did this morning said good things will come and a new horizon is on the front, but I need to wait a bit. I don't want to make any decisions now; I just want to know if there is something there. I can feel that there is, but does he? I have no idea. We'll just have to wait and see, though.
I don't like being patient. It kinda sucks. I have sewing I need to do. And calligraphy I need to practice. I'm fighting on Wednesday... for a little bit. Oy. We'll see how well my temper holds this time. Also planning the Ottoman fighting and feasting day; I sure hope it's successful! So much to do..
I'm going singing with Asrune tonight after practice/during the other practice. I need to. I need to get my emotions out there. I should draw, too. Maybe it would help, some. Piercing eyes that see into the soul... my mind is everywhere except where it needs to be.
@~>~~
current mood: contemplative
current music: "Let Love In" by the GooGoo Dolls
10:27 pm - Letter to the FROG PRINCE
Greetings, you charming young prince you,
Did you think I was stupid? That I would simply turn my head away when she walked up and dragged you away? That when she walked up, I'd just be ok with it? Guess what, frog-boy? FUCK YOU. You can take your moronic ideals and your amazing smile and your eyes that drive me insane and you can drive off a cliff. I've had it with you and your lying, your sneaking around, your playing with my mind.
So you watched me like a piece of meat. I was naive enough to think you might be interested. Boy, did I have that wrong. I can't believe I fell for someone so hurtful, so cruel that they were willing to put me and my health on the line just so you could say you're "seeing two girls."
You did make me happy. You really did. Everything always seemed like a fairytale when you were around. We could have been so great together. Seriously amazing together. The whole world would've been in the palms of both our hands. But no, you don't want success. And it seems you don't want happiness, either. Me? I am BORN GREAT. If you could just see that, see through your egotistical self, you would see the beautiful, amazing girl standing in front of you and you just refuse to open up your eyes. Boy, are you dense.
Do you realize all the testing I now have to put myself through? All the pain I need to fix? All the suffering I've put myself through because I thought that maybe, just maybe, you were what I wanted? What made you think I would possibly be OK with you messing around with a whore? 'Cause in the end, you're both perfect for each other.
So keep your mask on; I've seen your real face. And believe me, it's about as warty as they come.
@~>~~
current mood: angry
current music: "Oh Roy Oh", a Bawdy song again
8:30 pm - Another break of sorts........
Big trouble in paradise. So we're taking a break.
I'm pretty sure I'm too numb to cry.
@~>~~
current mood: numb
current music: "That Face" from The Producers
1:31 pm - You're not going to believe this......
So I had the SCA events last night. All three seemed fairly successful. Got rained out of war practice, though, which sucked. Went over to Jake and Gail's and stayed there all afternoon/evening, when it proceeded to snow. Yes, SNOW. In the sunny state, it snowed. It was CRAZY! I was in such shock. Yesterday should go down in history as the day that it snowed here while I was living here. Curse dorm room heaters; they don't work at all. Got blown off again tonight and twin has to work, so we'll see what happens. I need to clear my head, some, 'cause I'm getting all mixed up again. And it's bad.
@~>~~
current mood: bored
current music: "She just wants to be the one" by no idea
12:50 pm - An unsent letter torn in two
I have a secret to share with you,
A secret that pains me, and tears me in two,
It seems my heart has betrayed me,
And caused me to fall for two whom I see.
One is a gentleman, a man true to his word,
And he loves me so much he always wants it heard.
He is kind and so sweet and Beautiful I always feel,
He is a simple boy, and he always seems real.
The other is a prince, a nobleman true,
He hurts me and pushes me and makes me feel blue,
Yet he just needs one glance and I feel on fire,
My head, heart and hands all burning with desire.
Princes don't marry small gypsy girls,
Although they have in the past changed the rules,
Gentlemen stand by and will do anything for them,
They will always be waiting and watching again.
I know I should stop, but I'm so torn apart,
I'm so mixed up I don't know where to start.
I can't get either off of my mind,
One a distant dream, the other right behind.
I wish I could end this treacherous tale,
I wish I could stop things, end their forsaken trail,
But instead I wish and I pray,
That maybe, just maybe, my prince will come someday....
So I'm caught up in two different worlds. A world of beauty and want. Of love and tenderness. Of heat and fire. I'm so smitten by both I can't even see straight, and no matter where I turn, something reminds me of one or the other. I thought I'd worked things out, but no such luck. My heart hurts, it just hurts and I have no idea how to stop it. I can't tell him; if I told him how I really feel, who knows what he might do or think? I may have already lost him. As for the other, I love him, I do, but he makes me feel beautiful, not wanted, and I can't tell what the difference is so it just hurts more. I'm in way too deep.
@~>~~
current mood: frustrated
current music: "She just wants to be the one" by no idea
10:55 pm - Guys.......
Why are all guys dicks? Why the hell do they have to be so damn horrible? And why do I always end up in tears?
I really hate frog kissing. I don't care if I have to in order to find my prince, I hate doing it. And I'm tired of always crying about it.
I'm seriously considering becoming a lesbian. At least girls are usually up front with stuff.... sort of. And as for physical stuff, I can learn to like girl parts.... ok, maybe not. But one thing's for certain: I am tired of always crying over boys and ending up hurt in the end.
@~>~~
current mood: sad
current music: "Seems I lost me Virtue", another Bawdy song from Asrune
12:16 am - "She's Wanted by the Police" says Niles
hee hee. TV in the back and that's all I heard. Gotta love Frazier at strange hours of the night.
So I want to change my device. Not change, per se, just add to it. I think I've spent too much time staring at Avis'. I want to add ermine to the purple, but I'm going to do some more research on it first. Oh boy, oh boy! I may FINALLY make myself a house banner! I'm hoping to also make some generic house banners as well for tournies and Banner War, but we'll see what happens with that. I stayed over waaaaaay to late at Gail and Jake's and now I have more ideas in my head. I suck.
I will be the first to always admit, My creative drive can be cruel at times..... but I do love it nonetheless. Card weaving with silk thread perhaps may be the next idea as well. I'm working on the scrolls, the dancing and the sewing, but I also want to do the silk painting and the embroidery. I love having a million projects going on and working on all of them at the same (or similar) times. Oy. I got teased for having so much to do at once, but I still love it just the same.
School's ok, just busy. Working hard. End of Story. My dad's 50th birthday was today. I called and was on the phone with him for about 5 minutes, then he had to go. It was the first time I've spoken to him since after Christmas. I felt numb, and I still do. This year will bring many new things and I have no idea how I'm going to react. Currently, my heart and my body are at odds with one another, but my heart is being traitorous. I must keep myself in line, or bad things could occur.
This weekend will be fun. Sable Knight, Back in Black Revel, Kingdom Estrella Practice, maybe some silk working, and movies! YAY! It will be a long weekend, but it'll be worth it in the end. Then Monday... oy. back to the 8-5 or 6. I kinda don't like living like a "growed up", but I suppose I will suffer if my goals will be achieved for the future. Just have to keep going...
@~>~~
current mood: mellow
current music: "Galandor War Song" that I wrote myself
2:34 pm - Crazy insane list that I need to get out of my system
What do I want? To lose my mind!
How am I going to do that? With LISTS!!!
Lists? Yeppers, I'm making lists. For school, ECS, SCA, Estrella, the works. Right now. Before I got and sing and such. Here we go!
School:
- STUDY! Must get on the ball with my reading, because that's all most of my classes consist of. If you talk to me, ask if I'm done with my studying.
- Get work done. Yep, remind me to look at my school calendar and get my work done, including long-term projects. I've got a few coming up. Oy.
- FinAid. I curse their very being. Still arguing with them. End of story.
ECS: *giggles* this is going to be the long one. I'm truly a nutcase. WHEEEE!
- Scrolls. I'm making 4 for Coronation, plus I'm working on the next MW. It should be pretty!
- Renewal tourneys. Yep. I'm hosting all of them. With any luck, they will help us gain more members and maybe our numbers will increase!
- Persona collegium. I need to work on the booklet. Just finish up a thing or two. I'm hosting it in Solaris during the tourney as well, so that should be fun.
- Weekend practices. Trying to get them on-campus so we can get more COMAC kids to come. Maybe we'll do some during February or March....
- Work days and Collegiums. Yeppers. We need them. Fighting ones. Sewing ones. Mannerisms, courtly dances, any type of arts, we need them. OOOOOOOH, maybe I'll do a heraldry one next! Or I could ask Anne to... hmmmm.
- Going to host an Ottoman day event. Wanted to do it with a middle eastern feast that night, but that may not play out the way I want it to. Suck an elf.
- Banners. Making a house one for Banner war, may make some more for general day events. Trying to get things looking PRETTY!
- Card weaving. May have found someone who knows how to in the SCA.... might be able to do it!
- I'm keeping my fingers crossed that our numbers are increasing. We had tourney Wednesday night and a TON of people showed up. YAY! Maybe this is our coming back phase..... but I still say we need more demos. I am crazy about this game; someone should really hit me with a two-by-four.
SCA:
- Nothing. I'm perfectly content with dabbling and playing with Sable Millrind. I'm going to become paid, yes, but I'm not going to do anything within it. Not until I get my fill of ECS, which I doubt is going to happen. hee hee.
Estrella:
- Camping stuff. Got it. Sorcha and Muriel are letting me borrow theirs. I'm camping with Sable Millrind. I'm super excited. I may go up on Wednesday morning if I can get out of French and my test in Psyc 329. Fingers crossed the Dean's excuse will work for me!
- fun. Yeppers. It will be fun. BEST EVER! *giggles* I will be enjoying myself, even if it kills me.
Life:
- I need to clean my room.
- I need to call my father again.
- I need to call my mother as well, along with my sisters.
- I need to go through my clothes, 'cause my drawers won't close again. Actually, I have too much garb, so I have to get rid of some of that. TOO MUCH STUFF!
- I want to work on art stuff.
- I want to dance again.
- I want to get my darn pictures so I can play with them with Paintshop Pro.
- I want to snuggle with someone; I could care less who it is, I just want to snuggle.
- I want my brain to quit thinking so much
- I want my creative streak to calm down because I know it's due to the stress I'm facing right now. Distractions really are my game.
And that's all for now. Off to sing and prepare a basket for Sable Knight. Some of my plans got canceled this weekend, but it may have worked to my benefit, since I may be doing silk painting instead. Hmmmm............Salut!
@~>~~
current mood: 
hyper
current music: "Ordinary Day" by Vanessa Carlton
9:42 am - *Drum roll please.........*
EXPLOSION!!!!!!!!!!!! BAM BAM BAM SPLAT SQUISH!!!!!
*Fireworks light up the skies*
....Anyone know how to turn off one's mind once it starts going haywire? I think I've made myself a little crazy since I cannot seem to stop thinking about... things. Things I probably shouldn't be thinking about but am anyway. Arrrrrrrg. What to do, what to do...
I must be crazy. Absolutely crazy.
@~>~~
current music: "Loves me night and morning", a Bawdy song Asrune taught me
1:41 pm - Real Entry of the Day
So I'm writing this entry and it's the actual entry. The "pretend entry" is rather pretend; it's just the regular boring stuff that I did over the weekend. This is the harder stuff (as usual).
I'm not sure what's happening with next year. I need to find a place to live. I have a feeling I may be by myself; I cannot seem to get a roommate. Also, I found out that I may have to put a down payment down for July NOW in order to save a place for me. I have no idea what my financial aid will be because of the issue with the divorce, and I don't know if I will have both my jobs or not. If not, I may very well be screwed because of lack of funding in that department. I'm hoping I get a lot of aid and get a large batch check (since I won't be living on campus) but I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
Boy and I are ok. We're having some trouble, but it's the kind of trouble that's hard to explain. I'm perfectly happy and perfectly in love, it's just that there are some issues that will need to be worked out eventually. I'm acting in a horrible manner, but I can't seem to stop myself and I don't want to hurt him. Oy.
School's ok. 18 units is rather hard, but I'm trying my hardest to keep myself on task. It's going to be a lot of work, especially with going out of town twice in February, but we'll see what happens. In the meantime, I have a lot more reading and a lot less papers to do. This has to work itself out.
ECS is ECS. Twin and I are trying hard to get things rolling, ie, gain new members. I'm hosting the renewal tournaments next month and the first week in March, so hopefully those will be successful, but we shall see. Mina brought up a good point: It's a marathon we're running, not a sprint. Yeah, we want to gain many members, but it just takes time. We'll see if we've grown once renewal comes around, though.
Haven't spoken to my father in over 3 weeks now. I think I need to call him. I said I would but didn't get a chance to and, well... I think I still feel numb about it. I should try to do something about that.
There's more, but I'm going to be late to class, so I have to run. Maybe I'll write more later, but I still need to put my "pretend entry" up.
@~>~~
current mood: discontent
current music: "Ordinary Day" by Vanessa Carlton
3:49 pm - "Pretend" Entry of the Day
School's kicking my butt royally. 18 units is a lot harder than I thought. Add in 2 jobs and, boy, no wonder I'm always tired.
I may go to Texas for Spring Break if I'm not working all week...
The tournament and feast this weekend were fairly successful. We had 10 people come up total, which is pretty good if I do say so myself. HE Duncan won a knightly list! It was so amazing! I passed the Bard of Galandor onto Lady Lorelei which was pretty cool; she was also asked to join the knight artisans. Asrune and I sang a whole bunch so I must learn more of the songs she has for Banner War and Estrella.
Sunday just chilled, then Twin came over and we chilled more. Went out to eat, then got talking about ECS. So many ideas, so little time! Watched a movie, then went to bed early.
Monday was a day off, so I did nothing but mostly lollygag. All my plans got canceled for the day and I was kinda bummed, so Twin took me out to lunch. Yummy tuna sammich and Broccoli Cheddar soup! After, I watched the 10th Kingdom and did some sewing and dancing and calligraphy. Hung out with Codykins and Jakey; it was nice getting to chill with them again. I've missed them. After, watched a movie with knight-y. We argued the whole time. Well, half the time was about the movie, the other half was about ECS-related stuff. I really do see in technicolor versus his black and white world. Oy. And yet we still manage to not kill each other. Lots of planning in the works, but we'll see if I have the time to get any ideas out there, even if it means others hosting the ideas and me just giving it to them.
I'm so tired... I hardly slept at all last night. Too many thoughts rolling around in my head. Something's gotta give soon, or I may lose it. I need an escape... I'm thinking I'm going to paint again. I'll start putting my artwork up on my walls instead of just doodling it wherever. Nurgle. And I'm late for class. Back to back classes Tuesday/Thursday sucks sometimes. Good thing they're classes I WANT to be at.
@~>~~
current mood: cranky
current music: "Something's Gotta Give" by Leann Rimes
8:47 am - Ancathus leaves and Silly Songs
Went to art class last night. Gail was so shocked when she finally realized I chopped all my hair off. Seems that everyone thinks I've just got it tied back when in truth it's all gone. Anywho, was super quiet trying to pick a style to study, then Gail and I got talking. She found this really pretty 15th century style scroll that I'm going to work on. 2 scrolls, actually. I've only done celtic and carolingian, so this will be a change. A good change, I think. I want to be widely-versed in my styles of illumination. She says I should do some smaller, kingdom-level scrolls in the style I want to do the "big ones" in, so I'm going to talk to the crown and the territorial rulers and see if there are any small-ish scrolls that they want done. Hopefully I will be able to make them and they will look nicer than the last ones I attempted to do...
Twin and I will be matchy-matchy twins for the Twelfth Night feast tomorrow after the Melee day. I'm super-excited about it. And, on top of that, Asrune and Etta will be coming as well! YAY! We're supposed to have about 10 or 11 people total show up from down here, which is awesome in my book. I'm planning on hosting all the tournaments next month so we can do renewals again. I think it worked really well, so I want to do it again to make things easier for people. I like my brilliant plan :o)
Got a bit of sewing done at Avis' house; we gossiped a whole lot and came up with cool ideas for things, so I'm kinda excited about some stuff. I've also got a plan for another on-campus event; hopefully it will work to my benefit, but we shall see.
School's going to be fun this semester; I'm super excited about the classes I'm taking, even with the weird schedule. I have to try and get an art class or two in there, though. I'm hoping to start dancing again this semester, too. I want to lift weights and not feel gross all the time anymore. SUPER psyched about Estrella and Vegas and Coronation. So much coming up so soon and so little time! Playing two games can be difficult, but it's worth it in the end. I'm taught in one, so I go teach in another. It works!
@~>~~
current mood: 
creative
current music: "Pony Ride", a body song of sorts
10:35 am - Garb.... and some other stuff
*giggles*
So I've been up to a bit lately. Thursday the documentary film crew came and recorded me working in my mom's classroom, then we went to my high school and filmed there, then went back home. I sewed and they filmed. My mom and sis came home and they filmed us arguing about how we want to decorate the living room. Good times. Sis and I went out to dinner and talked about exercise and getting back into shape. I want to lift weights again. I've missed it.
Friday I went home early from mom's class because I was so tired. I've been extremely tired recently; I think it's stress, but I don't know. Mostly lollygagged around the house, then had lunch with an old high school friend. We talked about all the crazy people we knew and the psycho antics they'd been up to. I just kept saying "I'm in a better place now" and I truly feel that I am.
Saturday went to Anne and Gaelen's house. Talked about EVERYTHING and loved every minute of it. Yeah, they may be critical of me, but I see that as a challenge to overcome. So I like to multitask projects. I cannot focus on one thing; I'll get bored of it and it will never get done. But, I am equally pursuing two areas within the game and I'm very proud of myself for that; it shows others that there's more than just fighting within the ECS. I love working with this group. Yeah, sometimes I wish we were bigger, but we're getting there; we just need time.
Sunday Twin and I came back home. Went to the mall looking for my maid-of-honor dress (by the by, Holly asked me to be her maid of honor, and I said I would). Found something, but wasn't sure if it would work, so I decided to wait on it. Took a nap, then watched a movie and chilled the rest of the day. Started sketching some scroll ideas; they should look really neat when they are done.
Yesterday spent the day with Holly. We got my dress and I must say I look amazing in it. She wants silver accessories, so I may get silver shoes, I haven't made up my mind about it yet. Had fun listening to her tell me about everything that's going on in her life; it's nice to be able to pick up with someone like that as if I've never left. I guess I can officially say I'm moved down here now... well, sort of. July is when I can move into a place, and I need to see who is looking for a roommate. I'm really nervous about it; I've never lived on my own, paying monthly bills and whatnot before. Should be one of the larger a-ventures I choose to embark on.
Otherwise, life is life. I'm working on tons of garb now; if I want to turn in a sewing MW, I need to practice my sewing, right? Of course right. I'm a little nervous about it, especially with what happened with the last one, but I have to keep moving on. If I dwell, it will be ugly. Can't wait to work on everything I have planned... I'm hosting a persona collegium down here, then going to try and see about hosting it again up in Solaris next month so that everyone will get a chance to take part in it. I think we need to bring personas back into the game; make it fun again. We're gaining the members, now we need to gain the personalities that are coming with the members. Twin and I were talking on the way home from Phoenix and I was saying how I would love to rule as crown but how I doubt it would ever happen and he scolded me, saying that Yes, I would be crown, there are no ifs within the game anymore. He makes me giggle.
I also want to take up card weaving, so I have to check out some books about it at the library. Anyone know how (or knows anyone who knows how) who would be willing to teach me? I'm a good learner, and I'm usually pretty fast when it comes to most things. We'll see what happens though...
Going to hang out with my Knight today, then COMAC tonight. Can't wait to see everyone! It's been so long..... well, sort of.
@~>~~
current music: "You're gonna need a bodybag" by *I have no idea*
4:47 pm - Crazy in love... or just plain crazy
I must be insane. Friggin' insane. I haven't seen him in over 24 hours, will be seeing him again in 2 hours, and I'm already climbing the walls. I miss him so much. I love him like whoa. Gah, What is wrong with me? I think I know. I've never really been with someone who was crazy about ME. Usually it's the other way around. I'm uber-crazy about a boy, boy isn't so crazy about me, boy turns out to be an evil jerk-face and I'm by myself. Twin's watched me go through a few of these episodes and he's always been watching me from the sidelines, there to wrap a blanket around me and comfort me when I come in from the play broken and bruised. He's held onto me and never let me go. Yes, I have my strangeties; I like raw cake batter and cookie dough, I sing and dance at any point in the day, I'm loud and obnoxious when I want to be, I'm stubborn as all hell, I run at the first sign of trouble, then creep back and try to fix things, I have an extremely high libido, I'm pretty much out of my mind. And yet he's still there with his goofy grin and his huge steel grey eyes, his arms wide open and there to keep me safe. I love him. I love him I love him. Yeah, it took us 10 months, but as he puts it, "it just wasn't our time" and I agree. I don't think we would be this close if we'd gotten together before.
He'll be here soon. I need to pretty myself up, even though he tells me I look beautiful no matter what. Gah, that boy makes me giggle.
@~>~~
current mood: giddy
current music: "I don't want to" by Sugarland
All contents copyright © 2005. Arizona Board of Regents.
Search powered by:
